HEADLINES

Schooner? Damn Near Killed 'Er :
Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old California girl attempting to sail solo around the world had to be rescued from the Indian Ocean this week. Abby demonstrated tremendous courage and maturity on her way to ultimately proving what has long been suspected - girls are terrible at everything.

American Stalker :
A former military man was sentenced to 2 years in prison today after being convicted of stalking Ryan Seacrest. Randy said the sentence didn't really work for him, Paula said he looked gorgeous as always, and Simon said it sounded like a sentence given on a cruise ship.

Neverland Dance :
The creators of Guitar Hero and Rock Band have announced plans to release a Michael Jackson themed video game within the next year. The game is intended to be the first in a series of "first person molesters."

Dean of Cool :
Jimmy Dean passed away this week at the age of 81. Dean's name will always be synonymous with country music, charity, and the that microwavable breakfast sandwich from Wawa which gave you diarrhea during that road trip.

HEADLINES

Don't Want No Short People :
A medical study has found that heart ailments are directly correlated to a person's height with short people having a much greater chance of suffering a heart attack. "I knew it!" shouted Randy Newman.*

Steamy Arabian Nights :
A recently opened sex shop in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain is doing exceptionally well despite the strict religious views of the native Muslim peoples. Let's face it who can resist the sight of a woman in a negligee revealing her wrists.

Man's Ugliest Friend :
A dog named Miss Ellie who held the title of "World's Ugliest Dog" passed away this week at the age of 17. Miss Ellie's remains were salvaged by a local Chinese eatery at which point she earned the title of "World's Most Delicious Egg Roll."

Wax On :
The remake of The Karate Kid dominated the box office this weekend pulling in $56 million. That wasn't the only great news for the franchise, as Ralph Macchio made a $5.60 tip Saturday night at Ruby Tuesdays.

* Fascinating Man

HEADLINES

Beach Tits :

A group of post-op transvestites in Delaware staged a protest earlier this week to gain the right to sunbathe topless on state beaches. Eyewitnesses said if you listened close enough, you could hear their grandfathers rolling in their graves.

Blue Mountains of Justice :

A 32 year old Florida man made headlines this week after calling 9-1-1 on his mother for stealing his beer. The man was given a warning for abusing 9-1-1 - his mother was beaten, tazed, and held without bail.

King of the World? :

A spokesman from British Petroleum has announced that despite reports to the contrary, filmmaker James Cameron will not be contacted to help them stop the oil leak off the Gulf Coast. It's a wise move, as Cameron would likely learn the ways of the oil, befriend it, then lead it in an epic battle against us.

Soda Poop :

A New Jersey teen who confessed to defecating in a classmate's soda during shop class was sentenced to one year probation this week - a lenient sentence because the judge didn't want to destroy his future - because the future is clearly bright for a young man who defecates in another's soft drink.

HEADLINES

Dead Man's Float :
Philippe Croizon, a quadruple amputee, is set to defy the odds and swim solo across the English Channel in late July. In related news, mark your calendars for a memorial service for Philippe Croizan in early August.

Off the Wall :
It is being reported that each one of Michael Jackson's three children is set to make $33 million from the late musician's estate. Unfortunately, most of that money is in giraffe food, gloves, and used syringes.

The Ma-Sheen :
Hollywood star Charlie Sheen is set to spend 30 days in prison after reaching a plea deal following a domestic dispute this past Christmas. In jail, Mr. Sheen will surely be sodomized by two and a half men.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout! :
A recent survey has found that New York drivers are the least hospitable in the United States. "Take that survey and shove it up your motha's twat!" commented one New York driver waving a crow bar out his window.

HEADLINES

Snow White Collar Crime :

Several top figures in the Disney organization were arrested today on charges of insider trading. While there's still speculation regarding their identities, Mickey Mouse was recorded at a share holders meeting last week, saying "Greed is Good, haha!"

Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em :

Many people are shocked and appalled after footage surfaced of a 2 year old Indonesian boy who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day. The boy's father assured everyone that it's not that big of a deal, and that his son only smokes after sex.*

Truffle Shuffle :

The Style Network has announced a new show called Too Fat For 15 - a weight loss show which follows the struggles of obese teens. Many of the contestants are sick and tired of schoolmates mocking them - luckily this show will open a big window, to have the entire country mock them.

What's in a Name? :

A long term study found that a person's name has a large effect on every part of their life including education, employment, and social status. "I don't believe it," said Fuckface McGangbang.

*Submitted by the old man

HEADLINES

Stiff Upper Lip :
Authorities in Colorado had an easy time this week finding a house burglar due to a very identifiable tattoo he had above his upper lip. The man will likely serve jail time, where fellow inmates will most certainly take him up on that "Mustache Ride".

Brack or White :
A 4 year old boy from China has risen to internet fame after footage surfaced of his extremely convincing Michael Jackson impersonation. He dances like Jackson, sings like Jackson, and manhandles his 4 year old groin like Jackson.

Venus, Uranus is Showing :
Spectators at the French Open are up in arms about the vulgar display of skin by female tennis star Venus Williams. Ms. Williams has apologized, and will where a brown paper bag over her head for the rest of the tournament.

It's a Man's World :
A West Virginia man burnt his own house down this week after arriving home from work to find that his wife hadn't prepared his dinner. The heinous, senseless maniac was detained, booked, and from now on will certainly have dinner ready.

HEADLINES

Canadian Baby Tuxedo :
Huggies has announced the release of a new denim diaper for babies – talk about a sure fire way to get people talking around the trailer park.

The Rhode Less Traveled :
The Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and his brother, who is an ex-con, opened a deli last week called Federal Wrap. “I smell a sitcom,” murmured Stephen and Daniel Baldwin.

A Bronx Tail :
Three newborn lion cubs in the Bronx Zoo have officially been given names submitted by readers of the New York Daily News – so welcome to the world, FU David Paterson, Derek Jeter, and Hey Ma’ They Chose Tony!

Chapped Chap :
A 13 year old boy from California broke a world record last week by becoming the youngest person to ever scale Mount Everest. He broke another record by going longer than any other 13 year old without being caught masturbating.