The Hair of the Blog that Bit You

HEADLINES

2010-07-15T06:09:00.000-07:00

Jesse and the Rapers :
Actor John Stamos found himself in the headlines this week following allegations of sexual contact with an underage girl and alleged records that can prove it. While the records don't actually show Stamos, it's easy to tell it's him as he proclaims, "Have Mercy" at the point of climax.

The Garfield Special :
A supermarket chain in England has begun selling pre-packaged Lasagna sandwiches in an attempt to bring more culture to their food selection. The sandwiches will be located between the baked ziti parfaits and meatball juice.

Cock of the Walk :
A team of university scientists have come to the definitive conclusion that the chicken came before the egg. Now the team is off to unravel other age old mysteries such as, why did the pot call the kettle black?

That's All Folks! :
Two men were escorted out of a Six Flags theme park in Illinois this week after beating up a female employee dressed as Porky Pig. While no motive has been discovered, all signs point to ever growing hatred toward those with speech impediments.

HEADLINES

2010-06-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

A & Effed :
An Abercrombie & Fitch affiliate store in New York had to be shut down this weekend due to a bed bug infestation. The tragic outcome - countless middle school lacrosse players walking to practice without shell necklaces.

Mean Girls v Aryan Nation :
Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan was sentenced to 90 days in prison today after continually failing to observe the details of several probational sentences. This is big news for Miss Lohan as she hasn't been obligated to be anywhere for 90 days since the wrap of Herbie: Fully Loaded.

The Barber of Tehran :
The government of Iran made it illegal this week for males to sport mullets, so welcome to Iran jheri curls!

Twilight Blown :
This weekend the third installment of the Twilight series grossed $175 million at the box office. Even more impressive, 80 million 14 year old boys experienced their first over the pants hand jobs.

HEADLINES

2010-06-22T10:32:00.000-07:00

Gotta Hand it Toe Her :
A New York woman who lost her thumbs in a firework accident earlier this year, successfully had her big toes transplanted in their place. It's a win/win situation, as the woman can maintain activity of her thumbs, and she has cheese on hand at all times.

The Worldwide Leader in Sperm :
The controversial website BeautifulPeople.com is now offering sperm and egg donations from "beautiful" people with a promise of beautiful offspring. They're so confident in their product, if you're not happy with the results, the partial birth abortion is free!

Camel Filters :
A zoo in Quebec saved face Monday after recovering two camels which had escaped from a truck last Friday. The camels were found attempting to cross the US border in overcoats, fake mustaches, and fedoras.

The Safety France :
The highly touted French soccer team was officially eliminated from World Cup play today after being beaten by South Africa. The French should have just followed their nation's motto, "Surrender at all Costs."

HEADLINES

2010-06-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

What's All This, Meow? :
An arrest warrant has been issued after a home inspection in Wisconsin uncovered a refrigerator with over 100 dead cats inside. Responded the home's owner with a shrug, "I'm just more of a dog guy."

Speling Erorr :
The locals of Stoughton, Wisconsin are up in arms after seeing that their town's name is misspelled on a $1.2 million dollar water tower with the artist having omitted the "T." Thankfully the town long ago dropped its original name, "Pentis."

Mark Zuckerberg Likes This :
Newly released documents reveal that the online social network Facebook made $800 million in profit in 2009. Adult Friend Finder made $50.75 in small combs and pubic shampoo.

Uh-Oh! :
15 million pounds of Spaghetti-Os were recalled by Campbell's soup and pulled off of shelves this week following reports that the product was tainted. In related news "Italian Night" was cancelled in every trailer park in America.

HEADLINES

2010-06-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Schooner? Damn Near Killed 'Er :
Abby Sunderland, the 16 year old California girl attempting to sail solo around the world had to be rescued from the Indian Ocean this week. Abby demonstrated tremendous courage and maturity on her way to ultimately proving what has long been suspected - girls are terrible at everything.

American Stalker :
A former military man was sentenced to 2 years in prison today after being convicted of stalking Ryan Seacrest. Randy said the sentence didn't really work for him, Paula said he looked gorgeous as always, and Simon said it sounded like a sentence given on a cruise ship.

Neverland Dance :
The creators of Guitar Hero and Rock Band have announced plans to release a Michael Jackson themed video game within the next year. The game is intended to be the first in a series of "first person molesters."

Dean of Cool :
Jimmy Dean passed away this week at the age of 81. Dean's name will always be synonymous with country music, charity, and the that microwavable breakfast sandwich from Wawa which gave you diarrhea during that road trip.

HEADLINES

2010-06-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Don't Want No Short People :
A medical study has found that heart ailments are directly correlated to a person's height with short people having a much greater chance of suffering a heart attack. "I knew it!" shouted Randy Newman.*

Steamy Arabian Nights :
A recently opened sex shop in the Middle Eastern nation of Bahrain is doing exceptionally well despite the strict religious views of the native Muslim peoples. Let's face it who can resist the sight of a woman in a negligee revealing her wrists.

Man's Ugliest Friend :
A dog named Miss Ellie who held the title of "World's Ugliest Dog" passed away this week at the age of 17. Miss Ellie's remains were salvaged by a local Chinese eatery at which point she earned the title of "World's Most Delicious Egg Roll."

Wax On :
The remake of The Karate Kid dominated the box office this weekend pulling in $56 million. That wasn't the only great news for the franchise, as Ralph Macchio made a $5.60 tip Saturday night at Ruby Tuesdays.

* Fascinating Man

HEADLINES

2010-06-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

Beach Tits :

A group of post-op transvestites in Delaware staged a protest earlier this week to gain the right to sunbathe topless on state beaches. Eyewitnesses said if you listened close enough, you could hear their grandfathers rolling in their graves.

Blue Mountains of Justice :

A 32 year old Florida man made headlines this week after calling 9-1-1 on his mother for stealing his beer. The man was given a warning for abusing 9-1-1 - his mother was beaten, tazed, and held without bail.

King of the World? :

A spokesman from British Petroleum has announced that despite reports to the contrary, filmmaker James Cameron will not be contacted to help them stop the oil leak off the Gulf Coast. It's a wise move, as Cameron would likely learn the ways of the oil, befriend it, then lead it in an epic battle against us.

Soda Poop :

A New Jersey teen who confessed to defecating in a classmate's soda during shop class was sentenced to one year probation this week - a lenient sentence because the judge didn't want to destroy his future - because the future is clearly bright for a young man who defecates in another's soft drink.

HEADLINES

2010-06-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

Dead Man's Float :
Philippe Croizon, a quadruple amputee, is set to defy the odds and swim solo across the English Channel in late July. In related news, mark your calendars for a memorial service for Philippe Croizan in early August.

Off the Wall :
It is being reported that each one of Michael Jackson's three children is set to make $33 million from the late musician's estate. Unfortunately, most of that money is in giraffe food, gloves, and used syringes.

The Ma-Sheen :
Hollywood star Charlie Sheen is set to spend 30 days in prison after reaching a plea deal following a domestic dispute this past Christmas. In jail, Mr. Sheen will surely be sodomized by two and a half men.

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout! :
A recent survey has found that New York drivers are the least hospitable in the United States. "Take that survey and shove it up your motha's twat!" commented one New York driver waving a crow bar out his window.

HEADLINES

2010-05-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

Snow White Collar Crime :

Several top figures in the Disney organization were arrested today on charges of insider trading. While there's still speculation regarding their identities, Mickey Mouse was recorded at a share holders meeting last week, saying "Greed is Good, haha!"

Smoke 'Em if You Got 'Em :

Many people are shocked and appalled after footage surfaced of a 2 year old Indonesian boy who smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day. The boy's father assured everyone that it's not that big of a deal, and that his son only smokes after sex.*

Truffle Shuffle :

The Style Network has announced a new show called Too Fat For 15 - a weight loss show which follows the struggles of obese teens. Many of the contestants are sick and tired of schoolmates mocking them - luckily this show will open a big window, to have the entire country mock them.

What's in a Name? :

A long term study found that a person's name has a large effect on every part of their life including education, employment, and social status. "I don't believe it," said Fuckface McGangbang.

*Submitted by the old man

HEADLINES

2010-05-25T06:59:00.000-07:00

Stiff Upper Lip :
Authorities in Colorado had an easy time this week finding a house burglar due to a very identifiable tattoo he had above his upper lip. The man will likely serve jail time, where fellow inmates will most certainly take him up on that "Mustache Ride".

Brack or White :
A 4 year old boy from China has risen to internet fame after footage surfaced of his extremely convincing Michael Jackson impersonation. He dances like Jackson, sings like Jackson, and manhandles his 4 year old groin like Jackson.

Venus, Uranus is Showing :
Spectators at the French Open are up in arms about the vulgar display of skin by female tennis star Venus Williams. Ms. Williams has apologized, and will where a brown paper bag over her head for the rest of the tournament.

It's a Man's World :
A West Virginia man burnt his own house down this week after arriving home from work to find that his wife hadn't prepared his dinner. The heinous, senseless maniac was detained, booked, and from now on will certainly have dinner ready.

HEADLINES

2010-05-24T07:26:00.001-07:00

Canadian Baby Tuxedo :
Huggies has announced the release of a new denim diaper for babies – talk about a sure fire way to get people talking around the trailer park.

The Rhode Less Traveled :
The Mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and his brother, who is an ex-con, opened a deli last week called Federal Wrap. “I smell a sitcom,” murmured Stephen and Daniel Baldwin.

A Bronx Tail :
Three newborn lion cubs in the Bronx Zoo have officially been given names submitted by readers of the New York Daily News – so welcome to the world, FU David Paterson, Derek Jeter, and Hey Ma’ They Chose Tony!

Chapped Chap :
A 13 year old boy from California broke a world record last week by becoming the youngest person to ever scale Mount Everest. He broke another record by going longer than any other 13 year old without being caught masturbating.

HEADLINES

2010-05-19T10:42:00.000-07:00

Read Between the Lines :
A recent report found that the reading skills amongst urban 8th graders in the United States are the worst that they have ever been. When asked his take on the findings, one 8th grader responded, "How am I supposed to know without any pictures?"

Immortal Kombat :
Arakawa, a 73 year old architect and artist from Japan who claimed to be immortal, died today at 73. He is survived by many red-faced relatives.

This Just-In :
Teen idol Justin Beiber attempted to shed his clean cut image this week by getting a bird tattoo on his hip. When asked why he decided to get it on his hip, Beiber replied "Because there wasn't enough room on my vagina."

H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! :
A group of concerned citizens in a Pennsylvania community are up in arms concerning the recent issuing of citations for public swearing, which they find unconstitutional. The staunch judge told them they can all go fuck themselves.

HEADLINES

2010-05-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

The Reds Like the Green :
A recent survey found that 50% of Russians find bribery to be a legitimate political practice. The other 50% disagreed, but could be persuaded otherwise.

JukeBox Zero :
A stabbing at a bar in North Dakota this weekend was reportedly the result of a fight over the jukebox. One man is greatly injured and the other will likely serve jail time - though the real loser was the man next in line with 2 dollars and a hankering to hear Fine Young Cannibals.

A Pirate's Strife for Me :
A Somali man pleaded guilty in a New York courtroom yesterday to hijacking an American ship last year and partaking in pirate activities. The man is looking at serious jail time, while his parrot was able to smooth talk his way to an immunity agreement.

Where Does Depression Hurt? :
The pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has announced plans to layoff as many as 6,000 employees worldwide. They warned that these sudden and unexpected layoffs could lead to fatigue, nausea, headaches, and erections lasting up to 3 hours.

HEADLINES

2010-05-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Little Blue Pill, Big Red Rocket :
A dog in New York City with a rare heart condition is responding positively to large doses of the erectile dysfunction pill Viagra. The dog is doing great – the same cannot be said for six people’s legs and a throw pillow.

Brain Damage :
An in depth scientific study has determined that there is no connection between excessive cell phone use and brain cancer. The study did, however, uncover a correlation between excessive cell phone use and being a huge asshole.

Roman’s Got a Woody :
Famed film director Woody Allen has come out to support fellow director Roman Polanski who admittedly partook in the statutory rape of a 12 year old girl decades ago – and when it comes to issues of sexual morality, who better to have in your corner than a 70 year old man who married his adopted, Korean teenage daughter.

She Looks a Little Fatwa :
Miss Michigan Rima Fakih, became Miss America last night, becoming the first ever Arab to hold the title. Fakih also set a record by becoming the first ever contestant to partake in the swimsuit competition in a black sheet and head scarf.

HEADLINES

2010-05-10T12:15:00.000-07:00

Balls-Eye :
A Colorado man has been charged with illegally discharging a firearm after accidentally shooting himself in the crotch last week. The man was planning on appealing the charges, but he didn't have the balls.*

Catcher in the Rhino :
It took authorities and zookeepers in Florida 5 hours this week to track down and capture a 4,000 pound rhinoceros which escaped from its cage. They finally found the animal attempting to board a plane to Brazil in a bowler hat and fake moustache.

Captain Porn-Io :
Playboy Magazine has announced the release of an issue with a 3D centerfold - so for all those guys who thought there was nothing more embarrassing than your mom catching you masturbating - throw a pair of 3D glasses into the mix.

The Supremes :
If President Obama's Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is approved, every Supreme Court Justice will have gone to either Harvard or Yale. "We'll get 'em next time," said Teddy Phelps, DeVry '92.

*Submitted by my Dad.

HEADLINES

2010-05-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

Face the Music :

A 34 year old Spanish man became the first person in the world to successfully receive a face transplant this week, using the face of another person. When asked what he planned on accomplishing next, he replied, "Break into Alcatraz with Sean Connery."

Greece Frightenin' :

The world economy has taken a hit this week after the Greek government declared bankruptcy due to a vastly growing deficit and other financial woes. This is what happens when your national economy is centered around 24 hour diners.

Granny Panties Redux :
A recent study has found that women in their 60s and 70s are buying sexy lingerie in record numbers. The lingerie really loses something however, when worn over an adult diaper.

I've Got You, Penis :

Today the former Chastity Bono officially became legally recognized as a man following gender reassignment surgery. Mr. Bono is now officially known as "Chaz" though he'll probably be better known as "Sonny and Cher's fat daughter who had a dick glued to her."

HEADLINES

2010-05-06T07:02:00.000-07:00

Sweep the Leg :
A Massachusetts woman born with no arms is set to overcome incredible odds and earn her black belt in Tae Kwon Do this week – still no word on how she intends to tie the belt.

Baloncesto Associacion National :
To honor their Mexican-American fan base, and make a political statement against the state’s new immigration laws, the Phoenix Suns wore jerseys with the name “Los Suns” in their playoff game against the San Antonio Spurs last night. The Spurs took it a step further, by sporting backpack blowers and sleeping in a small area of shade during the second half.

100 is the New 85 :
A recent survey of Americans over the age of 100 found that a common factor they credit for longer life is staying up to date with popular culture and changing technology – though most people surveyed were listening to Lou Bega on cassette tape.

What’s in a Name :
Today, a man named Goodluck Jonathan will be sworn in as the new president of the African nation of Nigeria. It was a hard fought campaign, and in the end he just flat out beat his competitor Shitty-Day William.

HEADLINES

2010-05-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

Betty Droop :
Veteran television actress Betty White joked on NBC's Today Show this morning that in her upcoming appearance on Saturday Night Live, she is willing to do anything for a laugh except for nudity - so if you want to see Betty nude, just look at the sleeve of a 50 year old leather jacket which has sustained serious water damage.

Time Scare :
The NYPD along with government officials are seeking a Pakistani man who is suspected of parking an SUV equipped with a explosives in Time Square this weekend. Bystanders immediately became suspicious when they noticed a Pakistani man who wasn't driving a cab.

Request Denied :
A middle school principal in Ridgewood, New Jersey is urging the parents of his students to close down their child's Facebook accounts and keep them away from the social network until they are 18. The principal's plea took an ugly turn, when a group of students waited for him in the parking lot and super poked him.

Not So Corky :
A survey of New York City charter schools has shown that their accommodations for special needs students is amongst the worst in the United States. Said one school representative, "By this time next year our cages will be twice as roomy."

HEADLINES

2010-04-29T08:31:00.000-07:00

Jean-Jacques Roustoned :
The University of Maryland will be introducing a new philosophy course next semester which will be taught from midnight to three in the morning on Thursdays. Students will learn to reason, ask exploratory questions, and ration $30 worth of Taco Bell and bottled water over a three hour period.

Old Midgets Die Hard :
Harry Weider, a well known homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf, and outspoken advocate, was struck by a New York City taxi yesterday and passed away. The real loser, however, was the taxi driver, as everyone knows nothing gets homosexual, Jewish, disabled dwarf off your bumper.

Be Prepared... For Koopa Troopas :
The Boy Scouts of America have announced plans to introduce a new merit badge awarded for achievement in various video games. Once a scout attains this badge, he is only a jerking off and whip-its badge away from making Eagle Scout.

Bring a Slopper for a Whopper :
Burger King announced this week that they will start offering a brunch menu complete with virgin mimosas and ciabatta sandwiches. It's the ideal place to bring your one night stand in case she didn't already feel like a big enough whore.

HEADLINES

2010-04-27T12:59:00.000-07:00

Three Ring Circustan :
The government of Turkmenistan has finally overturned legislation strictly banning the circus from coming to their country, passed nearly a decade ago - so now children will no longer dream of running away and joining the the public mob who stone whores in toe-less shoes.

Beast and the Beast :
Porn Queen Jenna Jameson is alleging that her boyfriend, Ultimate Fighter Tito Ortiz, beat her this week leaving her badly injured. The incident raises the question - if a porn queen and UFC fighter can't make it work, who can?

Hung Like a Miniature Horse :
This week a miniature horse in New Hampshire set the Guinness World Record as the world's smallest horse measuring 14 inches tall and only 6 pounds. The horse plans to break another record next week, by becoming the world's most adorable bottle of glue.

Jesus Christ, Monkey Balls :
A restaurateur in Indonesia was arrested this week for serving his patrons meatballs made from endangered monkey meat. The man plans to serve his time, then go back to serving rat meat like every other Indonesian restaurateur.

HEADLINES

2010-04-26T06:16:00.000-07:00

A Dog Gay Afternoon :
A restaurant owner in Adelaide, Australia is being sued for denying a blind man entry to his establishment because he allegedly thought that his seeing eye dog was gay. In fairness to the owner, the dog wouldn't have been let in anyway in cutoffs and roller blades.

Federico Cant-see-ni :
Emerson University in Massachusetts is now offering a film making course only for blind students - though it's hard to imagine how many original films students can make about the back side of a lens cap.

Pill Your Guts :
The birth control pill celebrates its 50th anniversary this week. It's not all cause to celebrate, however, as this week also marks the 50th anniversary of the death of pulling out.

Beam Me Up North, Scotty :
Leonard Nimoy, most famous for playing Spock in Star Trek, visited the town of Vulcan in Alberta, Canada this weekend where he had his hand print bronzed in the town square. In related news, Leonard Nimoy has officially called it a life.

HEADLINE

2010-04-21T12:09:00.000-07:00

Send Lawyer, Guns, and a $5 Check :
An 89 year old woman stopped a would be robber this past Tuesday night by pulling a handgun on him and threatening his life - so Betty White's roller coaster year has officially jumped into high gear.

Anar Sex :
The New York Daily News released a study today which found that Asian woman ages 18 to 24 were most prone to have anal sex without using a condom. The study was conducted by a 15 year old who had just found his father's credit card.

The Circle of Strife :
A town in Idaho has decide to release wild badgers and skunks around lakes and rivers in hopes that they will work together to disperse the growing pelican population. "It's all going according to plan," snarled a wayward beaver.

Prematuris Ejaculaturis :
Amongst the 100 new species discovered by the World Wildlife Federation this year is an extra large slug, native to the island of Borneo, which shoots a "love dart" of calcium on potential mates. The Federation discovered the slug when it came to their door to tell them it was a sex offender.

HEADLINES

2010-04-19T11:56:00.000-07:00

Oral-Well's Animal Farm :
A notorious drug kingpin in Washington state was arrested this week for running a bestiality farm where men used various farm animals to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies. The man will certainly serve time in jail where men will use him to fulfill perverse sexual fantasies.

Euro Not So Trash :
The Associated Press is reporting that tourists who have been stranded in European airports for as long as four days due to the volcanic eruption in Iceland have begun to bathe themselves in the public bathrooms. The occasion marks the first time in recorded history, that Europeans have bathed.

Gettin' Down with the Kardashians :
The animal rights group PETA is upset with member Kim Kardashian because she posed for a picture on the internet while holding a cat by the neck. They are thankful, however, that unlike the last time Ms. Kardashian showed her pussy on the internet, this time it wasn't pounded by Brandy's little brother.

No Means NFW :
A recent survey has found that 1/3 of American teenagers send 100 or more text messages everyday. When asked if they thought over-texting was having any effect on their day to day life, one teen responded, "OMFG. STFU. N! L8R."

HEADLINES

2010-04-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Triple Stacker, Hold the Phlegm :
A police officer in Washington state has successfully filed a lawsuit against a Burger King after finding what he suspected to be spit in his Whopper. The man has already hired an impressive team of lawyers who will surely cite the landmark Wilson v. Chic-Fil-A Pube Bandit case of 1998.

Requiem for a Mustache Ride :
The American Mustache Institute, a union for men with mustaches, is seeking a $250 per year tax incentive from the federal government for men with facial hair. Said one member, "It's getting harder to make ends meet on a porn star salary alone."

Naive Spudley :
Police in Alabama arrested a 21 year old man yesterday after discovering he was hiding 5 ounces of cocaine in a potato. They became suspicious when they noticed the potato was sweating profusely and listening to the Talking Heads.

TKO-ey Vey! :
Yuri Foreman, a 29 year old welterweight boxer, recently made history by becoming the first Orthodox Jew to hold the welterweight title. Yuri also recently made history by becoming the last Orthodox Jew to ever excel at sports.

Ever wonder where they get those people they interview for local news stories? Apparently all it takes is a knock on my door. Way to go mom!

HEADLINES

2010-04-14T07:23:00.000-07:00

Grey Card :
A group of older South African women, ages 60 to 84, have formed a soccer team in hopes of qualifying for a tournament in Michigan later this year. The chipper group of women, really put a face to the old credo, "it's all fun and games till someone trips over their own tits."

Little Orphan Anna Karenina :
A Tennessee couple have found themselves in hot water this week for sending their 7 year old adopted son back to Russia after deciding, they didn't wish to keep him. While morally depraved, there's little the authorities can do, considering the couple sprung for that 6 month warranty.

Dyke and Cover :
DC Comics is set to make history in the coming weeks by releasing a new adventure comic about the first ever, openly gay female superhero. The character will drive around in a Subaru Outback cleaning up the streets in between her duties as a high school field hockey coach.

My Little Whore :
People in the UK are outraged, after an upscale clothing store has begun selling two piece bikinis for little girls with padding in the chest. The store didn't help matters by selling the controversial item right next to the men's overcoats with pre-cut holes in the pockets.

HEADLINES

2010-04-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

Nerds Amongst Us :
A new survey has found that 1 in 5 people believe that alien life forms exist amongst us. A similar survey found that 4 in 5 people are not obese virgins living with their mothers.

Lady & The Trampoline :
George Nissen, the inventor of the trampoline, died this week at the age of 96. While his family did not immediately reveal the cause of his death, the safe assumption is a double bounce from his older brother gone awry.

Which One is Her Nipple? :
A Canadian publishing company has announced plans to release braille pornography for the blind. In related news, a large number of blind men have begun to learn reading braille with their left hands.

Darn Tootin'! :
Figures released today show that Sarah Palin has made $12 million since stepping down as Governor of Alaska one year ago. Palin plans to spend the money on better blinds, to keep those pesky neighboring Russians from peaking in her windows.

HEADLINES

2010-04-11T14:24:00.000-07:00

Burrito-Chill :
A 28 year old Michigan man was arrested this weekend for walking into a convenient store and eating a burrito and a bag of Funyuns, before revealing he had no money to pay for the items. The man will be charged with larceny, loitering, and smoking awesome pot.

Hairy Leg Day :
This weekend, thousands of men in New York City took to the streets wearing classic Scottish skirts to celebrate Tartan Day - or as they call it in the East Village, "Sunday."

Steel 'Er Innocence :
Today a Georgia DA threw out a case of sexual assault against Pittsburgh Steeler's quarterback Ben Roethlisberger stemming from an incident at a bar one month ago. To save time, however, the DA went ahead and booked Mr. Roethlisberger for the sexual assault he will allegedly commit next month.

What Now Justin Beiber? :
A 13 year old boy from California is seeking to make history by becoming the youngest person to ever climb to the peak of Mount Everest. No word yet on how the young man plans to deal with the physical demands, unpredictable conditions, and unavoidable erections every 30 to 40 minutes.

HEADLINES

2010-04-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

Old Man Jumper :
A 96 year old South African man made history this week by becoming the oldest person on record to bungee jump. To save money, in lieu of a bungee cord the man used his scrotum.

McCamp McVictory :
The United States military has announced plans to cease the distribution of fast food at certain military bases located in Afghanistan. To add insult to injury, they also intend to take away the trampolines and go-kart course.

Consult a Physician :
The prescription drug company giant Novartis is officially being brought to trial for discriminatory hiring practices concerning woman. Said one Novartis official, "It's just not easy having women around while experiencing an erection lasting longer than three hours."

White Horse Whitney :
After being hospitalized shortly before a European concert earlier in the week, Whitney Houston assured fans it was simply due to an allergic reaction. When asked what she was allergic to, Whitney replied, "Cocaine."

HEADLINES

2010-04-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

Baggage Shame :
Two German women were stopped at a Liverpool airport yesterday for trying to bring a dead body onto a plane. The body was determined to be over 25 pounds and was stowed in cargo.

Team Loyalty :
Former NFL running back and NBC personality Tiki Barber will be leaving his pregnant wife of 13 years after allegedly engaging in an affair with a 23 year old intern. If history is any indication, Tiki's ex-wife will go on to win the Super Bowl this year.

I'm a Lud-ser, Baby :
Two dozen people were arrested in New York today for connection to a multi-million dollar quaaludes ring. When reached for comment the suspects drooled on themselves while petting a fire hydrant.

Miss Congeniality? :
There is speculation that Sandra Bullock is reluctant to file for divorce from her cheating husband Jesse James, because he may be in possession of an extremely graphic sex tape. The tape in question is already getting higher marks on Rotten Tomatoes than Speed 2: Cruise Control.

HEADLINES

2010-04-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

Dubai, Dubai, Du :
A British couple were sentenced to jail time in Dubai last week after they were caught kissing in public. To make matters worse, on the man's first night in prison he was pinned down in the shower room as other inmates took turns holding his hand.

Titty City :
About two dozen women in a small Maine town marched the streets topless this weekend to protest the fact that men can be topless in public while women cannot. Someone then took the time to explain to them it's not because they are women - it's because they are fat.

Rad iPad, Tad! :
Apple made history this weekend by selling 300,000 iPads on their first day of release. Some asshole made history later in the day by being the first person to drop the iPad in a toilet while drunk texting.

Shut the Front Door :
It is expected that at sometime this week New York City doormen will go on strike to demand higher wages. They will march the streets to City Hall where unfortunately, no one will be there to open the door for them.

HEADLINES

2010-03-30T11:39:00.000-07:00

Your Vol is Showing :

A Tennessee man who was arrested for streaking this weekend claimed that his only motivation for the criminal act was boredom. His story checks out, as his being from Tennessee immediately eliminates the chance that he can afford a television or is able to read.

Little China :

People are upset by the opening of a new amusement park in China in which all employees are dwarfs dressed in fairytale themed costumes. Amongst those not complaining are the dwarfs - on the grounds that this is their only opportunity for employment considering they can't reach the dry cleaning counter.

You Stay Classy, Augusta :

Joslyn James, the porn star with whom Tiger Woods had a long running affair has announced that she will be in attendance this weekend as Tiger returns to golf in the Masters. While Tiger has not responded, other golfers are upset, especially because her vagina has officially been declared a water hazard.

Happy Paper Jam Day :

Today the office copy machine celebrated it's 50th year of existence. The copy machine is hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough in workplace efficiency, the tantamount example of modern convenience, and an irreplaceable staple in office themed pornos.

HEADLINES

2010-03-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

On Guard! :
A school for blind children in Massachusetts announced plans today to create a fencing team for its students. "I think it'll be a great oppor..." said the team's coach before getting stabbed in the face.

Who Down with RNC? :
Members of the Republican National Committee are in hot water after allegedly running a $2,000 tab at a Los Angeles strip club. The men claim that money was simply going towards the young lady's health care anyway.

Ricky's Into Dicky :
Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - putting a decade worth of speculation to rest regarding whether or not Ricky Martin was still alive.

Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - In related news, William Hung was found wandering the streets inconsolable.

Today 90's pop idol and Latino superstar Ricky Martin announced that he was a homosexual - Luckily for Ricky, he is still the third least gay guy from Menudo.

HEADLINES

2010-03-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

Super Duper Nintendo :
The CEO of Nintendo gaming systems has announced the company's plan to create a 3D system within the decade. "Haaaaaaaa!" replied every adult virgin in the world before puffing on their inhalers.

Safe Cyber Poking :
A study conducted in the UK found a link between the growth of the social network Facebook and the shocking rise of STDs amongst the country's youth. It should come as no surprise as Facebook was known for sleeping around in college.

Autism Reeks :
Alex Hermann, the autistic boy from Illinois who had a perfect NCAA March Madness bracket through two rounds, was dealt his first loss this week when Butler upset Syracuse. "It was certainly a lot of fun," said the boys father while loading his son in the car to be lobotomized and locked in a padded room.

1 Out of 3 Ain't Bad :
A recent study found that 1 out of 3 women in America would be willing to have sex with a complete stranger for a large sum of money. The survey was conducted over the course of 20 years by Charlie Sheen.

HEADLINES

2010-03-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

Hospitable Gown :
A fashion designer in the UK has designed a new hospital gown that is more sleek, comfortable, and provides more privacy - so now your incontinent grandma can shit herself with style and confidence.

Red Hot Chili Peppers :
The Indian government is experimenting with the hottest chili pepper in the world to develop a new weapon for military purposes. To date the only casualties have been a half a dozen toilets.

This Little Piggy Was Severed :
A six year old Chinese boy born with seven fingers on each hand is set to undergo an experimental surgery to remove the excess fingers - a decision he will surely regret once he's old enough to masturbate.

Foot Fetish Soldiers :
Word leaked from the Pentagon today that the United States military is set to revoke its stance against homosexual members in its ranks and repeal the much debated "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. In unrelated news, the United States government put in an order for 50,000 pairs of camouflage cutoffs.

HEADLINES

2010-03-22T06:42:00.000-07:00

Sexism, Your Ass! :
A recent survey of women conducted by the University of Connecticut, found that an overwhelming majority consider all men to be sexist to a certain degree. Said all men, "What do they know? They're just women."

Grand Theft Trig :
The creators of the Nintendo gaming system have announced that the future of the company lies in educational, school-friendly games. The creators of X-Box said that their games already are educational and teach kids lessons like - if a hooker owes you 5K and only coughs over 4, slam the bitches head 9 times in a car door for the total sum.

Heidi Seek :
Heidi Montag has fired her agent who is also a full time psychic after only 2 weeks of his service. Luckily he took it pretty easy as the oracle had foreseen the prophecy.

Schindler's Craigs List :
The actual document drafted by Oskar Schindler, complete with the names of every Jew he saved from the Holocaust, is going to be put up for auction soon with the asking price of $2.2 million. Many well to do Jews are interested in purchasing, but they're going to wait till the Sunday Times prints a coupon.

HEADLINES

2010-03-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

Mini Winnie Cooper :
Danica McKellar, the child star of the hit 90s show The Wonder Years, announced yesterday that she is pregnant with her first child. McKellar suspected the pregnancy when she heard Daniel Stern's voice narrating from her vagina.

Ex-Whore House :
A man in Mexico has opened the first ever retirement home for former prostitutes. Families of the women are finding it thoughtful and convenient, but have problems with the $500 an hour rate.

De-Flowered :
A female nudist in Colorado has come under fire for cutting her lawn in the middle of the day while in the nude. Authorities responded to the odd happening after noticing all of the town's men were outside whacking their weeds.

Suckerin' Sukitash! :
Parents in Washington state are outraged after an on demand Bugs Bunny cartoon for children led orderers to an explicit porno movie instead. It wasn't all bad, as it opened the door for that age old discussion between parent and child about why Elmer Fudd was bookaki-ing Bugs.

HEADLINES

2010-03-16T07:36:00.000-07:00

Dino-Dung :
A renowned Swiss watch company has announced that they will make a $12,000 dollar watch out of a fossilized piece of dinosaur feces - because nothing say "class and sophistication" like a 200 million year old piece of shit on your wrist.

How Can They Read It? :
The local government of Green Bay, Wisconsin has announced that this decade the most often stolen street sign was that for Mullet Place. "Well, there's always next decade," said Rat Tail Lane.

Generation Sex :
The results of a recently released survey show that women last decade were far more sexually liberal than the woman of the 1960s. Still, however, no one can hold a candle to those strumpets from the 1890s.

He Gone Gone :
The shortest man in the world, a Chinese dwarf named He Ping Ping who stood just 29 inches tall, died this week of heart complications. Of course "heart complications" is Mandarin for "someone stepped on him."

HEADLINES

2010-03-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Aroostook Bore :
The State Senate of New Hampshire is locked in a heated debate over whether to declare the official state drink milk or apple cider, making it official - New Hampshire is the new Delaware.

Dot Com-motion :
Today the first ever "dot com" website domain celebrated its 25th birthday. The historic milestone was celebrated by internet execs, the technological community, and chronic masturbaters everywhere.

Cig Bums :
An anti-smoking group is blaming the current spike in numbers of teenage girls smoking to a strategically placed, risque advertisement by Camel in women's magazines. They have ruled out the reason being that cigarettes make you feel good, look older, and lose weight.

Got the Tism :
Scientists released a study today which found without a shadow of a doubt that autism is not caused by vaccines despite a media crusade launched by Jenny McCarthy. The discovery begs the question - If you can't trust a former Playboy model, turned co-host of a short lived MTV dating game, who went on to make a string of ill-fated straight to VHS movies before hooking up with Jim Carey - who can you trust?

HEADLINES

2010-03-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

What a Boob :
A woman in Staten Island won a civil law suit today against a plastic surgeon who botched her breast augmentation and ended up giving her four breasts. The decision couldn't have come at a worse time as the doctor was scheduled to give her husband two extra hands today.

Super Mario :
Television personality Mario Lopez announced yesterday that he and his girlfriend are expecting their first child - so there will be one more person who can't name a single accomplishment of Mario Lopez besides playing AC Slater.

Hold the Blubber :
A posh sushi restaurant in Los Angeles has come under fire for serving whale. Said a spokesman for the restaurant, "What were we supposed to do not serve the star of Precious?"

Not So Slim Pickings :
Mexican Carlos Slim topped Forbes Magazine's annual list of the richest people in the world with an amassed fortune of nearly $53.5 billion - still no word on how many lawns he had to cut to make that sort of money.

HEADLINES

2010-03-10T09:02:00.000-08:00

Oh, Canada :
A movement to change a lyric in the Canadian national anthem which is thought to be sexists was denied this week by the Canadian government - so it looks like "iron my shirt and make me coffee, bitch" will remain as the anthem's bridge.

Crackopoly :
A man in Kansas was arrested yesterday after he was found beaten on the street for attempting to buy crack cocaine with money from the board game Monopoly. The man's bad luck didn't end there - the police also declined his "Get Out of Jail Free" card.

Doctor Kong :
A doctor in Queens has beaten the world record for the video game Donkey Kong after scoring well over 1,000,000 points. The gaming world was very impressed - the families of his 100 dead patients were not as positive.

Let Your LaGuardia Down :
New York's LaGuardia airport was voted "Worst Airport in America" by an extensive survey ranking airports by a number of criteria. A spokesman for LaGuardia was scheduled to make a statement at 3 PM, then changed it to 5:30 PM, and eventually just sent the press to JFK.

HEADLINES

2010-03-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

At Least She Wasn't Driving :
A grandmother in Wisconsin camped outside a new ice cream establishment for 43 hours last week to make sure that her 6 year old grandson was the first person to be served. It was a big week for the boy, as his story made national headlines, and he was the first kid at school with early onset diabetes.

Coo-Coo Ca-Choo :
Police in Long Island are investigating the robbery of a 15 inch walrus tusk from the restored historical landmark which used to be Teddy Roosevelt's home. The prime suspect at the moment was a man seen leaving the house who either had a 15 inch walrus tusk stashed away or really liked Teddy Roosevelt.

Selling Sex :
The owner of the Internet domain "Sex.com" has announced that he plans to put the name up for auction at some point this year. "Finally!" proclaimed the owner of Stephen Edelstein X-Rays.

Oh-No-Prah :
Following the Academy Awards, Oprah Winfrey said that she "saw herself" in the breakout star of the film Precious, Gabourey Sidibe. It wasn't a compliment however - Oprah's lower extremities were in Sidibe's mouth as she was attempting to swallow her whole.

HEADLINES

2010-03-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

Dirty Chavez :
Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez blasted Secretary of State Hilary Clinton today, and said she was simply a "blonde Condeleeza Rice" - to which Bill Clinton responded, "That's pretty hot. Let's work with that."

This is Your "Pilot" Speaking :
A man was arrested in a Dutch airport this weekend in possession of a fake pilot's license - looks like it's back to waiting in the back seat of the car as his older brother flies the plane for him.

The Outlaw Lil' Wayne :
Hip-hop artist Lil' Wayne was convicted to one year in prison today stemming from an arrest last year for illegal gun possession. Lil' Wayne is expected to change his image in prison, and has supposedly already adopted a new nickname - "Lil' Bitch."

Youth in Asia :
The Chinese government conducted a study which concluded that a record number of children in the country are obese. They plan to rectify the shocking discovery by setting up after school exercise programs for the boys and by castrating, stoning, and drowning the girls.

HEADLINES

2010-03-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

Realityin' :
Former Alaskan Governor and Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin is in talks with Mark Burnett to create a reality television show about her and her family. The working title of the show is - "Are You Smarter Than a Teen Mom Ice Road Trucker with Corky from Life Goes On."

Snow Me :
A family in New Jersey has come under criticism for making a sexually explicit female snowman on their property. The women in the town contacted the authorities when their husbands began coming home with chapped penises.

Hairy Situation :
A Deli owner in New Jersey is in hot water for allegedly putting a hair on the order for a police officer who had pulled him over for speeding in the past. In fairness to the man, it was not his intention to put a hair in the officer's food, it must have come off of his nut sack.

Too Chubby to Fly :
A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was arrested yesterday for masturbating in his seat in midair. The woman seated beside the passenger knew something was awry when she noticed his penis was in its upright and lock position.

HEADLINES

2010-03-02T06:22:00.000-08:00

Drunkey Business :
A chimpanzee from a zoo in Moscow, Russia was sent to a special rehabilitation program this weekend to ween him off of his reliance to alcohol. The chimp realized he needed help when he woke up one morning and he wasn't in a pile of his own feces.

No Underoos :
Earlier this week 5,200 people posed naked on the steps of the Sydney Opera House as part of a project by famed photographer Spencer Tunick. The photo shoot was going great until one man's shrimp ended up in another man's barbie.

Yankin' His Chain :
New York Governor David Paterson is being investigated for breaking ethics regulations by accepting tickets to go to a Yankees World Series Game. In fairness to Paterson, however, he was told he was simply listening to the game on a radio while standing on a crowded airport runway.

OMFG!!! :
The Israeli military called off a secret raid yesterday after a militant supposedly wrote about the raid on his Facebook status. The Israelis became aware of the situation when half of the "Palestine Rocks!!!" Page "Liked" the status.

HEADLINES

2010-03-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

Granny Get Your Gun :
An 80 year old California woman was sentenced to three years in jail last week after being convicted for a string of crimes including burglary. "This is my week!" proclaimed a recently convicted 79 year old woman looking to kick someones ass in the shower.

Proud Mary-Land :
The state government of Maryland is set to legalize gay marriage at an upcoming vote at which point they will officially change their state name to "Nancy-land."

Hot, Hot, Hot :
Today marked the 142nd birthday of the popular hot sauce brand, Tabasco. In unrelated news, tomorrow marks the 142nd birthday of diarrhea, heart burn, and ulcers.

Wicked Smaht :
The state of Massachusetts is seeking to make the use of the term "retard" in its public school illegal and punishable by fines and expulsion. Luckily for every student in Massachusetts, "retahd" still flies.

HEADLINES

2010-02-24T06:24:00.000-08:00

Bullet Proof Chest :
A New Jersey woman who suffered two gun shot wounds while at a bar last week claims that the only reason she was not killed was because of her love handles. In unrelated news, a woman's fupa saved her from a machete attack.

My Old Kentucky Home :
Politicians in Kentucky are pushing for the removal of a verse in the state's official oath of office which requires Pols to swear off 'dueling' which always causes the state house to erupt in laughter. A smaller group is pushing for the removal of the verse about 'screwing your cousin' which causes the statehouse to erupt in shifty eyed guilt.

Mire High Crub :
A Japanese airline is set to make 'women only' restrooms on their national and international flights. In related news, the mile high club in Japan is about to become a whole lot hotter.

Glass Ceiling Blues :
A recent study has shown that a disproportionate amount of women in positions of professional power rely heavily on prescription drugs. "That's really disappointing to hear," said one man in a position of power while blowing a speed ball off a hooker's hip.

HEADLINES

2010-02-22T09:11:00.000-08:00

Golden Girl (on Borrowed Time) :
Following a much talked about online petition, it was reported today that 88 year old former television star Betty White is very close to inking a deal to host Saturday Night Live - so tune in for your best chance of seeing a person die on live television since the Chris Farley years.

Fare Game :
Starting on Friday New York City taxis will begin picking up multiple passengers for a single fare. The city expects gas usage to go down, difficulty getting a cab to disappear, and puking on a stranger's lap to reach record numbers.

Shadow Dancers :
A new concept restaurant in Taiwan features a moat around its exterior, almost complete darkness, and waiter service by stealth employees dressed as ninjas. They are so stealth, that you can barely tell they dipped their scrotum in your won-ton soup.

Seriously?:
A Czech based travel company is charging $200 to send your favorite stuffed animal around Europe and have its picture taken with the continent's most recognizable landmarks. For those interested it will be a good way to get that pesky teddy bear out of the house for a week to have some romantic time alone with that fluffy pillow on the shays lounge.

HEADLINES

2010-02-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

Don't Want No Short People :
A man from Nepal who stands 22 inches tall has launched a campaign to be recognized as the "World's Smallest Man" by the Guinness Book of World Records which would strip the record from the current holder who stands 28 inches tall. What will ensue is sure to be the most adorable altercation in history.

Doctor of the Year :
A doctor in Czechoslovakia accidentally left a foot long surgical tool inside a woman he was operating on last week. "Not the first time she's had foot long in her!" responded the woman's hysterical boyfriend while receiving a chest bump.

Has Anyone Seen Boner? :
Actor Walter Koenig, most famous for playing "Boner Stabone" on the hit 90s show Growing Pains has been reported missing and authorities are asking for help to crack the case. Their only lead is that Koenig was last seen getting into hilarious mischeif in the Seaver home circa 1993.

Double Threat :
Film director Roman Polanski was honored this weekend with the prestigious "Silver Bear" at the Berlin Film Festival. It was the end to a huge week for Polanski who received the "Crying Teddy Bear" at the annual Statutory Rapist of the Year awards on Wednesday.

HEADLINES

2010-02-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

United States of .... Whatever :
An international poll released this week ranked the United States of America the laziest country in the world, making it official - Mexico is no longer considered a country.

Port-a-Party :
The authorities in Brazil are issuing fines for the first time this year for public urination during the annual celebration, Carnival. "It's really just an issue of moral decency," said a half naked drag-queen blowing his boyfriend while on PCP.

From Russia with Cyber Love :
Police in Moscow have arrested the Internet hacker responsible for putting pornographic videos on an electronic billboard at a busy intersection last month. The man is claiming his innocence, but he was caught white handed.

Blues Grass State :
An annual census found that residents of West Virginia and Kentucky tied as the "unhappiest people" in the United States. Polling may have been effected by outside circumstances, however, as Walmart had recently run out of above ground pools.

HEADLINES

2010-02-16T07:21:00.000-08:00

Subway... Feet Fresh :
Many New York City subway riders expressed opposition this week to the recent rise in $50 citations given out to people for putting their feet on the seats, while others support it. "Some people just have no respect for their fellow riders," said Manny, the unkempt Gulf War veteran who uses the 4 train as a toilet.

Va-China :
Olympic Chinese figure skaters Shen Xue and Zhoe Hongbo came out of practical obscurity last night to win the gold medal in doubles figure skating, then announced their plans to have a child. Viewers were shocked when they won, and even more shocked to learn that a male figure skater was a heterosexual.

A-Less is A-Mour :
A panel of experts decided this week that the french word "amour" meaning "love" is the world's most romantic word. Coming in dead last for the seventh straight year - "gaping-soggy-grundle-Nazi."

Fur-tive Effort By Under-Dog who Shows no Paws :
New York City's annual dog show for sheltered dogs was won this year by a pit bull with only three legs, giving credence to the old football saying - "It's not the dog in the fight - it's the extent to which Michael Vick maimed that dog."

HEADLINES

2010-02-15T06:46:00.000-08:00

Lets Hug it Out:
An Ohio man broke the Guinness World Record for hugs yesterday giving 7,777 hugs in 24 hours. "That's Bullshit!" proclaimed every 300 pound, bearded, drunk guy at a keg party.

Emmett Otter's Drowning Scare :
Police in Maine responded to reports of a child drowning in Maine yesterday, only to find that the "child" in question was an otter. It was an honest mistake as recent studies have shown that most drowning children wear head to toe fur coats and eat clams off their bellies.

Patron Saint of Grinding Teeth :
A Roman Catholic priest was arrested in Philadelphia this weekend after getting caught in a sting operation attempting to purchase cocaine. The priest claims this is just a big misunderstanding - he was buying the cocaine for his 11 year old boyfriend.

One Hit Wonder Remembered :
Don Fieger, the lead singer of the early 1980s rock band The Knack, passed away this weekend at the age of 57. Fieger is survived, b-b-b-byyyyyy Sharona!

HEADLINES

2010-02-11T07:48:00.000-08:00

Roses Are Red, Faces Are White :
Police in an Amsterdam airport stopped a shipment of roses this week when they found a substantial amount of cocaine stashed in the bouquet. The police became suspicious when the roses got in their face and would not shut up about what an awesome time they were having.

Mary Jane Twatson :
It was announced today that the fourth installment of Spiderman will be shot entirely in 3-D. It's assumed that the premiere of the film will coincide with the stripping of the medical license of Kirsten Dunst's dentist.

Dinosaur Bone(r)s :
The Discovery Channel has green lit a show called "Tyrannosaurus Sex" which will explore the highly unknown mating habits of dinosaurs. Spoiler alert - the male dinosaur puts his penis in the female dinosaur.

Cheeb-us Christ :
Police in El Paso, Texas stopped the smuggling of 30 lbs of marijuana yesterday after finding it hidden in an over sized framed picture of Jesus Christ. They knew something was awry when they noticed that Jesus was wearing a Widespread Panic t-shirt and eating a Choco-Taco.

HEADLINES

2010-02-10T07:42:00.000-08:00

Man's Best Friend with Benefits :
A recent study has shown that 1/5 of people prefer spending Valentine's Day with their pet as opposed to a spouse or significant other. An unrelated study shows that 1/5 of household pets are molested every Valentine's Day.

What the Crack? :
A man in Michigan told police that he was robbed at gunpoint after attempting to buy crack cocaine with a credit card. The man said he hasn't been this outraged since a prostitute declined his government bonds last week.

Erin Go Bra-less :
The man accused of taping ESPN reporter Erin Andrews naked in her hotel room with a hidden camera, allegedly had 16 other hotel videos of sports personalities. Amongst the more popular ones were John Madden man-scaping and Dick Vitale inserting an enema.

Hooter-nanny :
The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. One buyer seems interested - he can't really afford it, but the woman he's been dealing with has been touching his arm and seems really into him.

The Hooters restaurant chain is for sale, and seeking $250 million dollars from potential buyers. They'd consider a package deal of two buyers at $125 million - one for each tit.*

*Written by my dad.

HEADLINES

2010-02-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

Fantastic Whore :
A woman in China is receiving a litany of plastic surgeries to look more like Jessica Alba to be more attractive to her boyfriend. Unfortunately, the woman's boyfriend wasn't more into Lucy Liu, in which case she'd just have to comb her hair differently.

Saudi A-Rap-ia :
This weekend an 80 year old Saudi Arabian man married a 12 year old girl. The man claims they have a relationship like any other 80 year old man and 12 year old girl, and he frequently pushes her on the sex swing.

Beer Muscles :
A new scientific study has shown that drinking beer actually does make you stronger. The study was conducted by a group of scientists with a keg and novelty rhombus shaped weights.

Pal-in the Ass :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin received negative press yesterday for giving a speech to Tea Party members with what appeared to be notes written on her hand. It seems likely as its hard to beleive she could remember a line like "hopey change" on her own.

HEADLINES

2010-02-08T08:09:00.000-08:00

The Earth Was Quakin' :
A strip club in Ohio is offering lap dances for a fixed price with all proceeds going to Haitian earthquake relief. The real winner though is Mrs. Chang, the local dry cleaner specializing in men's slacks.

Here We Go Again :
The Daily News is set to run a story this week alleging several extramarital affairs of New York Governor David Paterson. In fairness to the Governor, he attempted to have an affair but ended up simply having sex with the sleeve of a woman's coat.

St Elmo's Firing Squad :
Actor Andrew McCarthy was taken hostage by an Ethiopian military sect this weekend while filming a documentary in the country. The militant's demands were simple - Weekend at Bernie's 3.

What Dat First Amendment :
Elated Saints fans are buying custom made #9 jerseys with the name "Breesus" on the back. Some people find it sacrilegious, but really what's the worst that can happen - some sort of flood of biblical proportion?

HEADLINES

2010-02-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

The Pimp of the Senate :
Republican Scott Brown is set to be sworn into office this week as a Massachusetts Senator. It will be the end of a great week for Scott Brown who just successfully sold his eldest daughter for three oxen and a small plot of land.

Make it Rain, Your Honor :
A female stripper in Alabama was awarded $100,000 in damages by a jury today after a drunk driving incident that occurred after her boss made her drive home intoxicated. Unfortunately for the stripper, however, the jury paid her with singles they shoved up her ass.

Used Car Salesm... I Mean Heisman Trophy Winner :
This morning former Heisman trophy winning quarterback Tim Tebow gave the closing prayer at a prayer service with President Barack Obama. Things got awkward when Obama introduced Tebow as a, "man of faith, servant of God, and gigantic waste of a future draft pick."

NO-Ds :
Toxicology reports released today stated that actress Brittany Murphy died of pneumonia and heiress/socialite Casey Johnson died of complications due to diabetes. Heroin is waiting for its apology you low life gossip outlets.

HEADLINES

2010-02-03T16:36:00.000-08:00

#1, Hold the Spit :
A black New York man is seeking legal action against Burger King after a white employee spit on his burger, claiming it was an act of racism. The head of Burger King has assured the public that this story is a fabrication, and there will be spit on your burger regardless of your race.

Go Get 'Em, Tiger! :
It has been reported that in two weeks Tiger Woods will exit sex rehab and go back to his everyday life of sinking his balls in holes. No word yet on when he'll return to the golf green.

Mile High (as Shit) Club:
A man was arrested on a plane out of San Francisco this week for dropping his pants and chasing a flight attendant after he claims he ate a prescription marijuana cookie. Authorities suspect something more along the lines of a cocaine pound cake.

Mr. Edwards Goes to Washington :
The New York Post reported today that during a recent dispute, former Senator John Edwards smacked his cancer stricken wife Elizabeth. This should come as no surprise, as in 2004, Edwards voted "Yes" on the controversial, "Hitting Women with Terminal Cancer Bill."

HEADLINES

2010-02-02T16:44:00.000-08:00

No Coins in a Fountain:
Police in Memphis are investigating the theft of coins from a wishing fountain in the middle of a popular mall. They thought they had a taped confession of the suspect, but it was simply a classic Corey Feldman scene from the film The Goonies.

Dutch Oven :
A Ducth website which specializes in bestiality media is being shut down by the government for being profane. Look like it's back to the zoo perverts!

King of the Queens Ring :
Two teachers in Queens are being investigated for allowing two fourth grade boys to solve a dispute by wrestling, or as it was called at the Neverland Ranch, "Thursday Afternoon."

Man of Faith :
A Priest in Poland is keeping tabs on the attendance of his parish by installing electronic fingerprint detectors in the vestibule of his church. To save time, for the fingerprints of the young boys in his parish, he will simply dust his penis.

HEADLINES

2010-02-01T16:39:00.000-08:00

Pork for the Porking :
The President of Argentina told the men of her country to avoid the use of Viagra for impotency and instead use natural solutions like pork products. "Damn!!!" proclaimed Juan Rosenberg, Argentina's sole Orthodox Jew.

Fido-ski :
A dog in Poland was lost at sea and floated nearly 100 miles this weekend before being rescued by Polish fisherman. The dog and the fishermen then perished when their vessel took on water from its screen door.

10 Yards for Cross Dressing :
Male fans of the New Orleans Saints paraded down Bourbon Street today wearing dresses. "That's our bit!" replied the 49ers fabulous fan base.

Ripped Torn :
Hollywood actor Rip Torn was arrested this weekend and is facing jail time for drunkenly breaking into a bank with a loaded gun and passing out on the floor. Luckily for Mr. Torn, if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a 350 pound sodomist named Big Daddy.

HEADLINES

2010-01-28T08:21:00.000-08:00

What's Your Emergency, Slugger? :
Yesterday a 3 year old in New Jersey was called a hero for calling 9-1-1 after his grandmother had a diabetic seizure. Two hours later the boy was called a menace when he called 9-1-1 and ordered three pizzas.

Mi Amore It :
The fast food chain McDonald's has announced that they will begin selling a "McItaly Burger" at its Italian locations which features mozzarella cheese and marinara sauce. The announcement couldn't come at a better time as Italians are really getting fed up with the lines at the Olive Garden.

New Jersey Nots :
The New Jersey Nets beat the Los Angeles Clippers yesterday to improve their season record to 4-40 and moving them just two games away from contention for the Special Olympics.

That's One Handsome Penis :
7'1 Portland Trailblazer player Greg Oden is in hot water for taking a picture of his penis and putting it on the Internet. Oden initially tried to play down the incident by claiming that it in fact wasn't his penis but rather a Haitian orphan he adopted.

HEADLINES

2010-01-27T07:31:00.000-08:00

Extra Cheese :
A woman was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday with 54 pounds of cocaine. When questioned by authorities the woman fled on foot, but was detained 12 minutes later in St. Louis.

Change? :
Tonight President Obama will deliver his first State of the Union address. It is speculated that Obama will pull the "I never said 'Positive Change'," card.

Drugstore O'Cowboy :
A man in Oregon attempted to rob a drugstore earlier this week in search of oxycontin, but instead stole all prescriptions that were ready for pickup for customers with last names starting in "O." Not all was lost, as old man O'Reilly had some mad Flomax.

Edwards Porno Hands :
A aid to former Senator John Edwards has hinted that there is a sex tape featuring him and his mistress Rielle Hunter. While there is never a closeup of Edwards' face, you can tell it's him because his crotch has a $1,000 bouffant.

HEADLINES

2010-01-25T07:44:00.000-08:00

Isn't it Ironic... Don't You Think? :
This weekend in Florida, authorities arrested a man wanted for stealing a car, while he was at home playing the video game "Grand Theft Auto." In related news, a man wanted to for taking mushrooms and jumping on people's heads was found playing "Super Mario Brothers."

Gordon Gecko :
A small impoverished village in Indonesia has begun making money by selling a rare form of gecko, indigenous to their village. It's assumed that most buyers are looking to save money on their car insurance.

James "Money Bags" Cameron :
It is expected that by the end of the week, James Cameron's Sci-Fi adventure Avatar will make $1.85 billion worldwide passing James Cameron's last film Titanic, as the highest grossing movie of all time. When reached for comment, Cameron was busy wiping his ass with a $1,000 bill.

Mr. & Mrs. Split :
Internet rumors are circulating that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have both hired divorce attorneys to work out a separation agreement. Lucky for them, three of their six children came with a lenient five year return policy.

HEADLINES

2010-01-22T08:01:00.000-08:00

"It's Complicated with John Edwards" :
Just one day after admitting that he fathered a child with his aid Rielle Hunter, former Senator John Edward's wife Elizabeth, suspended her personal Facebook account. Now Elizabeth isn't getting poked by strangers or her husband.

Original Rex's of New York :
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan has refused to wash a pizza stain out of the sweatshirt he wears to Jets practices, because he thinks it may the the reason behind the Jets success. If it's not that, it might be the jelly donut, ice cream, Big Mac, apple pie, or General Tso's stain.

Brittany Murphy's Law :
On the Today Show yesterday the late Brittany Murphy's mother and husband said that Hollywood was to blame for the actress's death several weeks ago. Hollywood is assumed to be the name of Brittany's heroin dealer.

Shore was Nice :
MTV's hit series Jersey Shore aired its heart wrenching finale last night in which the cast member's had to say goodbye. It's now back to real life, where they need to get drunk, dance to techno music, go tanning, fist fight, and speak in poor English.

HEADLINES

2010-01-21T07:28:00.000-08:00

Fire in the Hole! :
10 boys in Germany were hospitalized this week after eating a Chili sauce 200 times hotter than normal Chili sauce. The boys are expected to return to the hospital later in the week, when the Chili sauce makes its way out.

Bravo , Johnny :
Former Senator John Edwards has admitted that the child of his former aid Rielle Hunter, is in fact his after months of speculation. There were rumors that Edwards was sending the child up to $20,000 a month, plus additional money not intended for haircuts.

That's My Snooki :
Jersey Shore cast member Snooki admitted this week that in her formative years she struggled with an eating disorder and at one point weighed only 90 pounds. She has since gained a healthy amount of weight, though mostly in hair extensions, spray tan, fake gold jewelry, and "gin and tonic weight".

"The Golden (Shower) Boy" :
Former University of Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is set to appear in a 60 second Super Bowl commercial alongside his mother - in what is sure to be the oddest Levitra commercial to date.

HEADLINES

2010-01-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

Tricks Aren't For Kids :
In an attempt to class up it's legalized prostitution sector, the Dutch government is seeking to enforce new laws which would prohibit brothels from opening before noon and mandate that call girls be at least 23. "Boy this is classy!" proclaimed one tourist tripping on peyoti, while banging a 23 year old hooker at 12:05 pm.

No Sleep till 7 PM in Brooklyn :
In Brooklyn yesterday a 99 year old man got into a physical altercation with an 83 year old man over a parking space. The 99 year old had the upper hand until he tripped over his testicles and the 83 year old capitalized.

The Cuban Man-Missile Removal Crisis :
Only a couple years after being illegal, the Cuban government is now sponsoring state sanctioned sexual reassignment surgeries for those who seek them. In unrelated news, it's been a while since the world has heard from Fidel Castro, but his newly discovered sister Fiona Castro is filling in nicely.

From Blue to Brown State :
In a special election yesterday in Massachusetts, Republican Scott Brown shocked the nation by winning in the historically Democratic state, especially following heavy backlash for a nude pictorial in Cosmopolitan Magazine 20 years ago. In his defense, the Bay State loved Ted Kennedy's spread eagle pictorial on Mature Fatty Lovers dot com.

HEADLINES

2010-01-19T07:12:00.000-08:00

Why Clef? :
Haitian born musician Wyclef Jean addressed rumors yesterday that the proceeds of his charity Yele Haiti are being misused. Said Wyclef, "Just cause I take your dough, dough - It don't me me a thief no..."

The "Garden Under Your Bed" State :
In his last day as New Jersey Governor, Jon Corzine signed a bill legalizing the sale and use of medical marijuana. Corzine then suspiciously walked into a screening of Avatar with sunglasses on carrying three bags of food from Sonic.

I'm Still Just a Nic in a Cage :
Actor Nicolas Cage is expected to pay $14 million in back taxes to the IRS this week, which could only mean on thing - Con Air 2: Poe Means Poe.

From Russia with Rough Love :
A major traffic jam occurred in Moscow this weekend when Internet hackers, hacked into a video billboard in a city square and played a pornographic film. No suspects are in custody yet, but police are suspicious of the two young men who had the foresight to set up a Vaseline and tissue stand.

HEADLINES

2010-01-18T07:17:00.000-08:00

Blind Date? :
The NY Post reported that this weekend New York Governor David Paterson was spotted having a romantic date at a New Jersey restaurant with a woman who was not his wife. Paterson responded by saying, he's not seeing anyone.

The Hippo of the Senate :
The senate race in Massachusetts to fill Ted Kennedy's seat is much closer than most Democrats had expected, and many are projecting Republican Scott Brown as the victor - though let's face it, it'll probably take at least both of these guys to fill Teddy's plus size seat.

The Old Man and the Football :
Yesterday 40 year old Brett Favre led the Minnesota Vikings past the Dallas Cowboys and into the NFC Championship game. They say if you listened closely enough, you could hear John Madden getting an erection.

Los Presidentes :
Former Presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush taped a commercial this weekend in an attempt to raise funds for Haiti following last week's devastating earthquake. The commercial was going great till Bush announced, "The first 100 callers will get a free ShamWow!"

HEADLINES

2010-01-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

Scam-ski :
A Polish prostitute was arrested this week for owing $820,000 in taxes to the Polish government. The woman is ashamed, embarrassed, and presumably incredibly bow-legged.

Croatian Nation :
The newly elected president of Croatia was surprised last week, when he signed on to his public Facebook page only to find that he had 7,000 friend requests awaiting him. He was even more shocked when he found 10,000 responses to his Craigslist ad for a 'No Strings Attached Quickie'.

Son of an Oaf :
As reported yesterday, New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested this week for shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card - officially making him the second biggest disappointment in his immediate family.

Conan O'Porno - Late Night Confessions :
TMZ is reporting that a pornography website has offered Conan O'Brien a lucrative deal to star in one of its productions. Considering, Mr. O'Brien's Irish heritage, however, the film may better qualify as a comedy.

HEADLINES

2010-01-13T07:47:00.000-08:00

State of the Parenthood :
New York Governor David Paterson's teenage son was arrested yesterday for allegedly shooting craps and being in possession of a stolen debit card. Governor Paterson thought he gave his son a stern talking to, but he was simply shouting at a coat rack with a hat on it.

2:00 Minutes for Being Western :
A professional Pakistani hockey player was reprimanded this week after a picture surfaced of him drinking beer and hugging a woman. The man had to issue a public statement, the woman was sterilized, stoned, and beheaded.

Now For Some Lowbrow Jay Leno Humor :
A Florida couple this weekend got married in the supermarket where they met. Have you seen this have you heard about this? Apparently they're not too confident in the marriage, they got married in the 5 years or less lane. (guitar riff) Five years or less lane! (Kevin Eubanks murmuring) You know where they honeymooned, Kev? ("No man.") The meat counter! (guitar riff) The meat counter! (Standing ovation from stupid tourists).

Canada was a Little Rough on The Beaver :
A Canadian publisher has announced plans to change the name of the country's oldest magazine, The Beaver, because their emails to readers are being censored as pornographic spam. They will change their name to, Canadian Life, Ideas, and Times or simply, CLIT.

HEADLINES

2010-01-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

Get Out of Town! :
Former Major League Baseball great Mark McGwire admitted yesterday to using steroids during his historic 1998 season when he broke the league home run record. In other shocking revelations yesterday, Freddie Mercury was gay, OJ Simpson is a murderer, and David Hasselhoff is an alcoholic.

I Can't Feel My Face :
A man is suing a New York City strip club after he allegedly blacked out for 90 minutes, then came to and found that he had been charged $21,000. The man is expected to rescind his lawsuit in about a week when the crabs, syphilis, and herpes show up.

Fantastic Mrs. Fox :
Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin accepted a job as a journalist for the Fox News Channel yesterday. Palin is already planning a monumental interview with Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin which she will conduct via a can on a string from her house.

Simon Says :
Simon Cowell has announced that he will be leaving American Idol following this season. Randy said the announcement was "a little pitchy." Paula said Simon, "looked beautiful as always." Kara said "he is sure to be a star." America has spoken, and Simon is a douche bag.

HEADLINES

2010-01-11T07:54:00.000-08:00

Oh, Poppycock! :
The National Hockey Legal has issued a statement to players telling them to clean up their language in post game interviews to make the league more "family friendly." "No problem," replied one player as he paralyzed a co-worker.

Blind Ambition :
New York Governor David Paterson is going to suggest the legalization of ultimate fighting this week in an attempt to boost the state's waning economy. Preliminary numbers show the decision could really have a positive impact on the Busch Light, Skoal, and male tramp stamp sectors of said economy.

That's Not a Handrail, Ma'am :
On Saturday, hundreds of New Yorkers rode subway cars in their underwear as part of an annual event hosted by the comedy troupe, Improv Everywhere. "They stole my bit!" proclaimed Teddy, the crazy, Vietnam veteran who lives on the F train.

Viva La Sanchez! :
On Saturday the New York Jets beat the Cincinnati Bengals in the first round of the NFL playoffs, led by an incredible performance by rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez. The event marks the fourth time a rookie quarterback has won a playoff game, and the first time a Mexican worked on a Saturday.

HEADLINES

2010-01-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

The Getaway :
Police in Pennsylvania have arrested a man who stole $50 from a woman in a Walmart then attempted to flee on a motorized cart which was owned by the store. No word yet on how the authorities cracked the case.

YES WE CAN(S)! :
A couple in Washington is planning to pay for their wedding by collecting and turning in cans for their refund value. They're just hoping their friends and families are cool with a BYOB reception at Arby's.

Born to Shun :
The New Jersey state legislature failed to pass a bill which would legalize gay marriage yesterday. It looks like you're going to have to wait at least one more year DJ Pauly D and The Situation.

This Sounds Familiar :
In last nights BCS Championship game, Garrett Gilbert, a highly thought of yet completely untested and unproven, fresh faced young man needed to take over for a Texas hero and face unbelievable odds which ultimately led to failure - earning him the nickname "Barack Obama."

HEADLINES

2010-01-07T07:05:00.000-08:00

Barack O-Billboard :
The White House is up in arms about a new billboard in Times Square using Barack Obama's likeness to advertise Weatherproof Jackets. They'll be even more upset next week when Joe Biden's banjo playing "Viva Viagra" ad hits the airwaves.

2D is so 2009 :
Sports fans are in a frenzy over ESPN's announcement that they will launch a 3D sports channel within the decade. "What dorks," replied a 40 year old, dressed as an ewok, in his mother's basement.

Taco Belle of the Ball :
Dietitians are upset about Taco Bell's new advertising campaign which promotes their food as a dietary alternative. Explained one Taco Bell executive, "When you spend 7 hours a day on the toilet, it really limits your eating time."

The Adorable Migration :
Due to an unsafe overpopulation in California, animal rights activists are shipping chihuahuas to New York City. In related news, there is now an overpopulation of General Tso's chicken in Chinatown.

HEADLINES

2010-01-06T07:16:00.000-08:00

Rumbly in My Tumbly :
A California airport was shut down yesterday after the detection of a potentially hazardous substance in a passenger's luggage, which turned out to be honey. Unfortunately they did not identify the substance quick enough, as Winnie the Pooh was anally searched then water boarded.

Fat People Got - No Reason :
5,000 users were kicked off of the popular dating website BeautifulPeople.com this week for being "too fat." The people in question yelled and screamed until they ran out of breath, passed out, then woke up, ate a salami and went back to playing World of Warcraft.

Rosie the Riveting Whore :
Rosie O'Donnell went into detail yesterday morning on her Sirius radio show about her new relationship and described it as "delicious." Rosie made headlines by causing 10,000 people to dry gag and by forever tainting the adjective "delicious."

Now for Some Good Ol' Fashion Racism! :
African Americans in New York are outraged by the use of the word "Negro" on the 2010 state census. White policy makers were quick to calm everyone down and explain that this is just so they know which censuses to count as 3/5 of the others.

HEADLINES

2010-01-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

Pez Be With You :
Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser died this week at the age of 87. Allina's family wanted to have an open casket ceremony, but every time they opened the coffin's lid a small, sugary candy popped out.

All Are Welcome :
The White House revealed yesterday that there was a third party crasher at the White House state dinner last month who entered without an invitation, making it official - the White House is easier to get into than Devry Institute.

What's Eating Gilbert Arenas :
NBA All-star Gilbert Arenas has admitted to pulling a gun on a teammate in the locker room over a gambling debt, but has said it was simply a joke. Arenas could be onto something, as preliminary numbers show that shooting someone is this decades "Yo' Mamma'" joke.

The Best and the Brightest... and the Testicularly Mutilated :
This week President Obama has appointed the first ever transgender person, Amanda Simpson, to a presidential cabinet. "Right... the first..." replied Hilary Clinton's penis.

HEADLINES

2010-01-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Are You Freakin' McKiddin' Me?! :
An Ohio woman punched through a McDonald's drive-thru window this weekend after she was informed that they had run out of chicken McNuggets. The woman was arrested and charged with being ridiculously American.

Heroin Shei-quita :
Police in Madrid uncovered nearly 25 kilos of heroine being shipped in boxes of bananas last week. They became suspicious when the bananas lost 15 pounds, locked themselves in their rooms, and began listening to Pantera.

Future Bongo Player Born :
Matthew McConaughey became a father yesterday to a baby girl. The baby, Vida, weighed in at 7 lbs and 7 oz, or as Matthew might better understand it, 72 dime bags.

Dubai, Dubai, Du :
The tallest man made structure ever built, a 2,700 foot, 160 story building, opened this morning in Dubai. The architect of the building is assumed to have a very small penis.

HEADLINES

2009-12-30T09:09:00.000-08:00

Kennedy Cent-ah Hon-ahs :
Last night CBS aired the annual Kennedy Center Honors from Washington, DC. Honorees this year included Mel Brooks, Dave Brubeck, Robert DeNiro, Bruce Springsteen, and Grace Bumbry who unfortunately had to come straight from the veterinarian's office.

From Russia, With Elbow Grease :
The Russian government has announced plans to destroy an asteroid which may or may not be hurdling towards Earth. Training is already under way to find the brave Russian man or woman who can heave a Vodka bottle the highest.

Double Trouble :
In a story seemingly from a bad movie, two identical twin brothers were arrested this week for running a $2 million dollar investment scam. "YES!!!" replied Jeremy and Jason London.

Meet the Mets :
All-star left fielder Jason Bay was picked up by the New York Mets yesterday and already seems eager and excited to contribute to the team's spirit and traditions. In other words, he'll get injured, under achieve, and undoubtedly fade into oblivion.

HEADLINES

2009-12-29T07:35:00.000-08:00

Neither a Road Nor an Island :
The state government of Rhode Island has decided to earn some extra revenue by auctioning off unclaimed properties on Ebay. The government of Delaware took notice, and has decided to boost state morale by joining Adult Friend Finder.

Jackassery :
A live Nativity scene in Colorado went awry last week when two donkeys broke away from their handlers and began running the streets. Staying true to the the original Bible story, the three wise men chased down and sedated said donkeys, as the Virgin Mary had a cigarette and the Baby Jesus shit himself.

A Time to Chill :
Authorities in Southern California seized a teddy bear from a toy store last week which was stuffed with a substantial amount of marijuana. There is still no word on what Levi McConaughey received in its place.

Do the Doggy Bounce :
The American Kennel Club has voted Snoopy from The Peanuts as the most famous dog in popular culture. It's widely assumed that Goofy ruined his chances after the release of his controversial coke fueled sex tape earlier this year.

HEADLINES

2009-12-28T06:56:00.000-08:00

A Sphincter Says, "What" :
A British man was given an artificial sphincter last week and his bowel movements are now controlled with a remote control. The device is a huge technological breakthrough for medicine, it does however result in quite a mess when his dog gets a hold of that remote.

White Collar, Red Stool :
Bernie Madoff required medical attention this weekend for what the press has described as "dizziness and shortness of breath" - or as inmates described it, "an ass raping."

A Case for the Ed Hardy Boys :
Controversial reality television dad, Jon Gosselin's posh Manhattan apartment was trashed and robbed this weekend while he was in Pennsylvania for the holidays. Police are seeking anyone who might have negative feelings toward Jon Gosselin, and they've already narrowed their list to everyone.

New Year's Green Eve :
The annual New Year's celebration in New York's Time Square was given an eco-friendly makeover this year. The crystal ball will be lit by LED lights, confetti will be reused, and Dick Clark will be outfitted with a recyclable diaper.

HEADLINES

2009-12-23T06:56:00.000-08:00

Little League Baller :
A 5th grader in Indiana got in trouble this week for bringing $10,000 in cash to school which he had taken from his grandfather's safe. Unfortunately he couldn't go through with his after school plans of making it rain on Chuck E. Cheese waitresses.

Eeeeeevil Womaaaaan :
A 54 year old woman in Minnesota has been arrested for pulling a man so hard by the genitals that he required medical attention and several stitches. The woman is expected to get probation, unless of course she gets a male judge in which case she's looking at death by lethal injection.

First Time Long Time :
President Barack Obama surprised listeners yesterday by calling into a Washington DC talk radio station as "Barry from DC." Listeners were even more surprised when he begged for OzzFest tickets.

Vagi-gills :
A man was arrested at JFK Airport yesterday for attempting to smuggle endangered fish into the United States. Authorities were quick to react when they noticed an odd odor, and have already issued an apology to an innocent female bystander for questioning her feminine hygiene.

(Yup... That's what I'm leading into my MERRY CHRISTMAS with)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

HEADLINES

2009-12-22T06:15:00.000-08:00

Winter Wonderland :
In the early hours of Sunday morning a spontaneous snowball fight broke out in Time Square involving hundreds of people. It was all fun and games until a snowball hit the MTV building, and old man Kurt Loder called the police.

The Stork is Coming... and has Syphilis :
Media outlets are reporting that troubled reality star Tila Tequila will act as a surrogate mother for her brother. This couldn't come at a better time, as US Magazine is reporting that Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is the new Autism.

Spending Time with Tiger :
Amidst current controversy, Tiger Woods has lost his endorsement deal with watch company Tag Hauer. It's not all bad news, however, as he did acquire a new deal with their raunchy affiliate "Tag A Whauer."

Lethal Weapon V :
Hollywood actor Danny Glover has scrutinized President Barack Obama for not doing enough to help black people. Barack Obama fired back with three words, "Operation - Dumbo - Drop."

HEADLINES

2009-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Keep the Change You Filthy Animal :
A man in Ohio left a $72 tip at a Taco Bell this weekend for a .99 cent taco, simply saying "Merry Christmas." The man left an even bigger tip an hour later when buying $30 worth of toilet paper.

Biker Wangs :
Protesters who had planned on riding their bikes naked through Manhattan on Saturday to protest the closing of bike lanes, cancelled their plans due to over a foot of snow and temperatures in the 10s. It was initially reported that three female die-hards still made it out, but upon closer inspection, they were just very cold males.

For a Better Day's Trip :
Vick's Dayquil has recalled 700,000 bottles which accidentally were shipped to stores without child proof caps. "What Vick's Dayquil?" asked 700,000 11 year olds, tripping balls.

Blue Me :
The big winner at the box office this weekend was James Cameron's highly anticipated Sci-Fi adventure, Avatar. The big loser at the box office, was Michael, the 37 year old, obese, virgin who showed up in a costume.

CENTENNIAL HEADLINES

2009-12-17T07:54:00.000-08:00

That's right guys. This is my 100th blog entry. This blog has changed a lot since I started it in early 2008, but my mission has always been the same; make you guys laugh. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback, offended a few (who I didn't like anyway), but most importantly I've had a really fun time doing it. I spend 30 minutes to an hour everyday trying to be funny, and the fact that you guys take the time to read it is really cool. Thanks, and here's to 100 more!

Nice Headlights :
A female teenager in New Zealand was hit by a car this week while flashing oncoming traffic. Luckily the young woman was not hurt, as her airbags were deployed.

Beer Flows Like Wine :
To fill the stands this past weekend, the NBA's Sacramento Kings offered a special $1 beer promotion - or as fans came to call it, a 6 month suspended license promotion.

Night Putting :
The neighbors of Tiger Woods have told the press that the troubled golfer has been seen and heard out hitting golf balls at odd times during the night. This scenario sees highly unlikely, however, as Tiger's wife has his balls in a noose.

You ARE the Father :
This week the former mistress of Senator John Edwards is expected to reveal that her child is actually his and sue him for as much as $17,000 a month in child support - or as Edwards calls that, "haircut money."

I Now Pronounce You Man and Machine :
A Japanese man legally married a female video game avatar this week. The honeymoon was going great till the man accidentally inserted his memory stick into her floppy disk drive.

Earth.0 :
NASA scientists have discovered a new planet 40 light years away that is nearly identical to Earth in size, chemical makeup, and general appearance, yet there is no sign of life. The planet has aptly been named "Frank Stallone."

Christmas Links -
24 on 34th Street
Hall and Oates
"Shitter was Full!"

HEADLINES

2009-12-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

We Snortin' :
Jamaican reggae star Buju Banton, was arrested this week and charged with possession of 11 pounds of cocaine. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that Banton didn't have a steel drum band, it was just his teeth grinding.

McWiFi :
Fast food giant McDonald's, has announced plans to offer wireless Internet to it's customers starting sometime in 2010. Good luck explaining that special sauce stain on your keyboard to your friends.

To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Barack Obama :
The press is reporting that Barack Obama has sent a personal letter to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il in an attempt to alleviate the tension between their two nations. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden sent a singing telegram to Hugo Chavez.

The Tiger King :
Today the Associated Press named Tiger Woods "Athlete of the Decade", narrowly beating out Lance Armstrong. The two men had similar careers this decade - Armstrong overcame cancer and Woods came over cocktail waitresses.

(I apologize for two seamen jokes ... won't happen again)

HEADLINES

2009-12-15T07:08:00.000-08:00

I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas :
A town in Italy is outraged about a public nativity scene which portrays Jesus, Mary, and Joseph as black. The town spokesman has apologized for the controversy and is set to display new figurines with olive skin, tank tops, and scally caps.

Titanic 2.0 :
James Cameron's much anticipated film Avatar will be released this weekend after nearly 10 years of planning by the director. The Sci-Fi community expects the film to be a definitive piece of cinema mixing the best of live action with groundbreaking CGI effects. The non Sci-Fi community expects it to be a three hour cartoon.

Mother of the Year :
A Colorado woman and her son are receiving recognition as business moguls for the success of their out of home business which grows and distributes medical marijuana. Like all business moguls, they drafted a mission statement, wowed investors, then sat around eating Pop Tarts and watching Nick Jr.

Year of the Poon :
Almost 3,500 Chinese people were arrested this week as part of a government sting to shut down illegal pornography sites. No word yet on where the people of China will turn now for their Caucasian fetish porn.

HEADLINES

2009-12-14T07:20:00.000-08:00

Granny Get Your Gun :
In Massachusetts a 100 year old woman has been arrested for killing her 98 year old nursing home roommate. The woman is likely to spend the rest of her life in prison - that's right, the entire week.

SAT 2 1/2 :
A test prep business in New York City is now offering tutoring to 3 year olds in preparation for the entrance exam to upscale kindergartens. The first lesson they teach is, don't shit your pants during the exam.

Panda Bear-y White :
Zookeepers in Australia are attempting with limited success to have two pandas in captivity mate. Every time they appear to be getting close the female panda gets a headache.

Heroine Sheiky Friday :
Troubled starlet Lindsay Lohan has begun auctioning off her old, used clothing on her website - so if you ever wanted high end clothing covered in cigarette ash, ejaculate, and cocaine residue, your prayers have been answered.

HEADLINES

2009-12-11T07:11:00.000-08:00

Amster-Damn You! :
A man in Amsterdam is in hot water for calling the authorities to report that someone had stolen his stash of ecstasy pills. The man will likely be put on probation which will limit him to two hash brownies and one prostitute a day.

Number One with a Manischewitz :
A chef has released a recipe for the Jewish favorite latkes, using ingredients entirely from the fast food chain Wendy's for the Hanukkah season - or as they will undoubtedly be called in the deep south, Deep Fried Jew Burgers.

Band on the Hop :
In an interview this week Paul McCartney admitted that his marriage to Heather Mills was a big mistake. Many thought it was obvious from the get go, that the marriage didn't have legs.

Contact Your Caddy for Erections Lasting Longer Than 4 Hours :
While women continue to come forward and claim sexual encounters with Tiger Woods, Tiger continues to lose his countless endorsement deals. Luckily the troubled golfer is in talks with Pfizer to create an erectile dysfunction pill tentatively called, "Tiger Wood."*

*Submitted by my father.

HEADLINES

2009-12-10T06:48:00.000-08:00

Pee-U-I :
A Wisconsin man was sentenced to a year in prison this week for urinating on a police officer when he was pulled over for a DUI last year. The man has a whole year of confinement to think about what he did, and laugh hysterically.

Shore Thing :
Many sponsors have pulled their ads from MTV's "Jersey Shore" due to coming attractions which show female cast mate Snookie getting punched in the face by a man. One sponsor which is standing strong - "No Fat Chicks" t-shirts.

Oral Exams :
As reported yesterday, a female Spanish teacher, and female French teacher, were immediately fired from a New York school when they were caught having sexual intercourse in a vacant classroom. The school board has now turned its investigation to a suspicious pizza delivery boy and cable repair man.

Washington v. Redskins :
The United States government is set to pay Native Americans over $3 billion to settle a lawsuit filed in 1996. Due to the dire economic times, payment will be made in alcohol, Mohegan Sun chips, and tainted blankets.

HEADLINES

2009-12-09T06:47:00.000-08:00

The Truth Was Out There :
Due to economic hardship, the the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense opted to shut down it's UFO unit last week. This could mean bad news for the UK's Sasquatch and Loch Ness Monster departments.

Walk Toe to Tar Heel :
A North Carolina woman was arrested this week for selling moonshine out of her day care center. Authorities became suspicious of the woman when they noticed her pupils inability to hopscotch in a straight line.

No Country For Old Perverts :
A 100 year old sex offender is set to be released from federal custody later this month in New York. So lock up those innocent, impressionable, 65 year olds.

Hot For Teacher :
Two female high school teachers in New York are in serious trouble for engaging in sexual intercourse with one another in an empty classroom. The women were reported to the school by a suspicious janitor as soon as he washed his hands.

HEADLINES

2009-12-08T07:27:00.000-08:00

I Love You, 911 :
A Tennessee man was arrested this weekend for drunk dialing 9-1-1 just to talk. The man will be given a free pass, as he and 9-1-1 recently ended a pretty long and serious relationship.

North Korean Tuxedo :
A company in North Korea has just started distributing a posh designer jean; the first of its kind from the country's limited fashion industry. Unfortunately the jeans are designed for North Koreans, however, and need to be advertised to Westerners as designer jorts.

The Daly News :
Troubled PGA golfer John Daly, told ESPN this week that he really wants to produce a biopic about his rough and tumble life, and he says he wants Kevin James to star. The working title of the project is "King of Whores."

Zhu Zhu Horror :
It was first reported yesterday, that this years hottest holiday toy the Zhu Zhu pet, a motorized gerbil, may contain a hazardous metal which can pose serious health risks. In related news, Richard Gere's colon is in critical condition.

"John the Greek" -
Last night I had a vivid dream that the New Orleans Saints beat the San Diego Chargers in this years Super Bowl. If this comes to fruition I will direct you back to this entry. If it does not... well, you'll never see this again.

HEADLINES

2009-12-07T07:09:00.000-08:00

Governing Hot Bodies :
Governor Charlie Crist of Florida has apologized for accidentally forwarding calls from uninsured parents to a phone sex line instead of a state sponsored toll-free number. The glitch has been corrected, but the parents are still going to be screwed.

Cock Flight :
A man from Guatemala was arrested at Dulles Airport this weekend for attempting to bring $4,000 worth of cocaine into the US, hidden in a cooked chicken. Authorities became suspicious when the cooked chicken escaped from a bag and ran in circles for 14 hours.

Monkey See, Monkey Upload :
Nonja, an orangutan in an Austrian zoo, has become a Facebook sensation due to her ability to take pictures, which are then uploaded onto her Facebook page. One person who's not amused is Be-Bop, the tweeting rhino.

The Wonderful Thing About Tigers :
The newest woman to come forward and claim that she had an affair with Tiger Woods is an adult film actress. Needless to say, Tiger had no trouble on that hole.

HEADLINES

2009-12-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

Kitty Life :
A company is marketing a new "Cat Cam" which will allow cat owners to watch their cats when they are not home. This will be the first time you can look at a pussy on your work computer without getting fired.

Totes Tying the Knizot :
A Maryland man has under come scrutiny for updating his Facebook status from the altar during his own wedding last week. The man is expected to make similar headlines when he tweets from his annulment this week.

Alabama Slamma 2.0 :
An Alabama man was arrested yesterday for hiding in a Walmart after it had closed and attempting to rob the store's cash registers. The man has been arrested and charged with stealing ideas from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

Tommy J :
A graduate student who was cleaning out the library at the University of Delaware this week was astonished to find an original letter composed by the third President of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. The title of the letter was, "52 year old white man seeking some brown sugar."

HEADLINES

2009-12-03T06:55:00.000-08:00

Tiger in the Rough :
More women are continuing to come out and allege sexual affairs with Tiger Woods following his car accident earlier this week. It's now clear why there are so many dimples in his balls.

Pea-Cock of the Walk :
The media giant Comcast has purchased a controlling stock in NBC for an alleged 30 billion dollars despite the networks rating struggles. Comcast decided to purchase NBC after being turned down by ABC, CBS, Fox, BET, QVC, The Game Show Network, and the Catholic Channel.

Blame it on the Henny :
Troubled NBA star Ron Artest admitted yesterday to frequently drinking Hennessey during halftime of games earlier in his career. This makes sense, as an audio investigation of his famous melee in Detroit reveals him saying, "Ima let you finish, but Pacers fans are the best fans of all time!!!"

Nipped in the Butt :
As reported earlier this week, the former Ms. Argentina tragically passed away while undergoing elective surgery for a butt lift. Luckily for the doctors involved, the victim's family has decided to turn the other cheek.*

*RIP

HEADLINES

2009-12-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

Throw the Facebook at 'Em :
This week 3,500 sex offenders from the state of New York were stripped of their Facebook and Myspace accounts in accordance with a new state law. It looks like it's back to the park bench!

Open a Tab :
A researcher has announced that a shockingly high number of children ages 1 to 18 swallowed the tabs from soda cans this year. This means your grandfather's assertions were right; children are stupider these days.

Yahoo Yahoos :
The Internet search engine Yahoo! announced today that the three most widely searched topics for 2009 were "Michael Jackson," "Twilight," and "WWE." That's right, it took a decade, but Yahoo! finally cornered the racially ambiguous, pedophile, pre-teens, who live in a trailer park, market.

Baby's Got Back :
In sad news, former Ms. Argentina died this week during elective surgery to get a butt lift. Medical examiners are hopeful and say they found a big crack in the case.*

*Bravo, John.

HEADLINES

2009-11-30T07:24:00.000-08:00

The Evolution of Paper :
An original Charles Darwin text has been discovered in a London home and is expected to make millions in an auction later this month. The text, written approximately 150 years ago, is currently walking homo-erectis and making tools.

The Mutants of Wal-Mart :
A Long Island woman has been arrested after leaving her two year old child in a running car outside of a Wal-Mart as she ran inside to shop. The woman will likely lose custody of her child, but on the bright side she does have a 50 pack of Scotch Tape.

Water/Tree Penalty :
Golfer Tiger Woods was involved in a single car accident over the weekend when he drove into a fire hydrant and a tree while leaving his driveway. While the cause of the accident is still uncertain, all signs point to his being half Asian.

The Pale Revolution :
For the second weekend in a row, Twilight: New Moon dominated at the box office, making over $40 million. In related news, for the second week in a row a disproportionate amount of middle schoolers got to second base.

HEADLINES

2009-11-25T06:46:00.000-08:00

No Sons in the Champagne Room :
An Indianapolis man was arrested this week after leaving his five year old son in his car while he went into a strip club. In the man's defense, he probably didn't want his son distracting his mother at work.

Fuggebaboutit :
A large group of Italian Americans in New Jersey are protesting the premiere of the new MTV series "Jersey Shore" because they feel it promotes negative Italian stereotypes. The protesters said if MTV doesn't block the airing of the show, someones going to get whacked.

Driving While Elderly, Mate :
An 81 year old Australian man got lost this week when he went out to buy a newspaper and drove 400 miles and 9 hours in the wrong direction. The man is home and well with his family, and telling his grand kids that he remembers when he had to travel 400 miles just for a newspaper.

Thank You, Come Again :
Last night President Barack Obama hosted the annual state dinner, attended by American politicians, entertainers, and world leaders. In a sign of the dire economic times, the "Guest of Honor" distinction was outsourced to the Prime Minister of India.

HEADLINES

2009-11-23T06:58:00.000-08:00

Kiss-mas Ban :
The Associated Press is reporting that people are urged not to kiss at Christmas parties this year to avoid large scale breakouts of swine flu. "Damnit!" responded the creep who finally worked up the courage to purchase the novelty mistletoe belt.

2009: A Space Paternity :
A NASA astronaut circling the Earth was surprised to hear this weekend that his wife had given birth to a baby girl. He was especially surprised because he's been in space for 14 months.

The Red Peril :
CNN is reporting that school bullying of red heads, or "gingers," is on the rise seemingly due to the growth of anti-ginger facebook groups which target them. Gingers across America were planning an epic march on Washington to show solidarity, but could not acquire enough SPF 70.

GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!! :
Last night America's Major League Soccer played their annual championship game between the Los Angeles Galaxy and Real Salt Lake. There is no word on who won the game yet, as nobody watched.

HEADLINES

2009-11-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

Toddler, M.D. :
A 2 year old Mississippi boy is being hailed as a hero after helping his mother give birth last Friday in their family home. Additionally, in accordance with Mississippi state law, the toddler is now officially a practicing doctor.

Where's the Beef ? :
Three homeless men in Russian have been arrested for attempting to sell the the meat from a dead human being to a kebab house. The owner of the kebab house was outraged and disgusted, then threw another cat on the grill.

Say it Ain't So, O :
Oprah Winfrey has announced that she will be leaving her famed television talk show in 2011. She will now have more time to focus on what she loves; rolling in millions of dollars and cunilinging Gayle King.

Subway - Grope Fresh :
A recent study has found that reports of woman being groped on the New York City subway have reached an all time high. Speculation is that it may have something to do with the MTA's controversial new slogan, "What Happens on the 6 Train. Stays on the 6 Train."

HEADLINES

2009-11-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

Old School :
Police in San Diego are in search of an elderly man who has robbed five banks this week. Police suspect that the man is armed and incontinent.

It's 4:20 Somewhere :
A man in Colorado contacted the police after returning to his home to find a 24 year old man had parked in his garage and was watching his television in his underwear. In related news, the polls are officially closed for the "Stoner of the Week" Award.

Miss-ter Universe :
A sex tape has been leaked this week depicting two Miss Universe contestants having sex with a man. The two women both said they're terribly embarrassed and ashamed; the man said, "Fuck Yea!!"

He's Making a List, and Blowing His Nose in It :
Mall Santa Claus's nationwide are fighting Congress to get priority when it comes to swine flu shots, prior to the Christmas season. In related news, Native American Thanksgiving reenacters are still waiting on that small pox vaccine.

HEADLINES

2009-11-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

Hamsters Not Included :
A French hotelier has opened up a new hamster themed concept hotel in the small town of Nantes, France. Tenants of the hotel sleep in hay, can run on a giant hamster wheel, and have easy access to Richard Gere's anus.

Counting the Turkeys on the New Jersey Turnpike :
Major traffic jams and many near accidents were caused this weekend when a wild turkey ran down the NJ Turnpike. Authorities have been unable to conclude why the turkey would enter the Turnpike, but have theorized that other highways were jammed with broken turkeys on a last chance power drive.

Rumble in the Bronx :
A 12 year old boy from the Bronx is suing his school board for $20,000 after having his teeth knocked out during a game of Phys. Ed. dodgeball. Since the boy is a minor his name was not released, though speculation is that he will answer to, "Pussy Who Ruined Dodgeball."

The Oxford American Dictionary Has Confirmed Your "Unfriending" :
The Oxford American Dictionary has announced that amongst the new words they will print this year is the Facebook inspired term, "Unfriend." If you look up "Unfriend" it says: See "One Night Stand" and "Gonorrhea."